Healing Hearts

Yesterday I went to a support group for adults who have lost a parent. A dear friend of mine told me she used to volunteer with hospice and they had support groups for people who lost a loved one. She didn't know if they still ran groups, but she encouraged me to call and find out. So a couple of weeks ago, I called and I was directed to a group for adults who have lost a parent. I felt a little uneasy at first, because I've never been part of a support group before. This is all so new to me. There were three other women there who had lost their mothers recently. I am hoping to continue to go to the group and see how it helps me. I think it will be good to be able to talk about Daddy and know that the others in that room are going through the same thing I am. I hope it helps.

Cleaning Out

This weekend we are cleaning out the house or at least starting to. We have already done a lot in the basement. The dumpster is almost full. It has been very emotional, very draining, has brought back a lot of memories and shed a lot of tears. I still cannot believe the mess that is in the basement. Boxes from floor to ceiling, wall to wall. Daddy kept EVERYTHING! It was a little embarrassing, but I tried to remember that the majority of the stuff was not mine. I had a few boxes of stuff, but my boxes didn’t compare to what all was there. We spent hours going through old mail, nicknacks, etc. I wish we could have just put boxes in the dumpster without going through things piece by piece but Daddy would have personal things like pictures & cards mixed in with old mail. I wanted to make sure that we didn’t throw away anything important. It was easy sifting through mail, but time consuming. Thankfully we had a few friends that came over to help yesterday and today. I wish we could have emptied out the entire basement, but we would need a few more days to work down there. Part of me is ready to leave and part of me wants to stay until the entire house is cleared out. We can’t come back until April, so the rest will have to wait until then.

Surgery

I have been completely out of it for the last few days. I had surgery on my thumb on Feb 8 to repair the tendon & nerve I damaged when I cut my thumb two days before Kaley's birthday. The surgery went well. The Dr was able to repair the tendon and the nerve. I am very thankful. I was very scared. I knew I had to have the surgery or I wouldn't have movement in my thumb. I think I was most afraid that I wouldn't wake up. I don't know why. That was what I was most afraid of. Not the pain, not the surgery itself, but that I wouldn't wake up. The Dr talked to me before the surgery and explained everything he was going to do then the anesthesiologist came in to ask me questions and wanted to know if I wanted to be awake or completely under. That threw me. I thought I was going completely under f rom the beginning, not realizing I could have the option of staying awake. He realized my hesitation then said it would be better if I went under. I was prepped for surgery and went out quickly with the medication they gave me. While I was under, something happened. My Daddy came to me. He didn't say anything to me. He didn't really even have an expression on his face. That was all I saw, his face. I think maybe he was stroking my head to comfort me, but I'm not sure. I do not believe this was a dream. I believe that God sent my Daddy to be with me during my surgery, to let me know that I would be ok. I did feel more at peace when I saw him. I didn't feel afraid. I don't think I tried to talk to him, I was just so happy he was there and I could see him. Then the Dr started to wake me up and Daddy turned away. I couldn't see him anymore. I was suddenly upset and crying. I kept saying over and over I want my Daddy. The Drs were trying to understand me and asked me what I wanted. I told them my Daddy died. They thought I had a dream that my Dad died. I remember asking for Daddy again, then asking one of the Drs to hold my hand. I remember the Dr explaining the surgery to me but I couldn't concentrate on what he was saying. All I could think about was seeing my Dad. I was glad the surgery was over and that I made it through, but I wanted to stay with Daddy or for him to stay with me. I wanted to talk to him and ask him what happened to him, to get some answers. I know that will probably never happen. I have never had an experience like this before. I've heard other people have, but I'm not sure I totally believed that could happen. Now I do. I have not been able to get this off of my mind and I'll never forget it. I don't know if he will ever come to me again in a dream or any other circumstance, but I know he was there with me and helped me through.