Kaley's Birthday

Happy Birthday Kaley! Daddy would have been here to celebrate Kaley turning 5. He couldn't wait for the girl's birthdays. He was always excited to see them and share this special time with them. It feels strange that he was not here for Kaley's party. It doesn't feel the same with him gone. I know he would want us to be happy and to have a good time and we are, but it is still different without him, knowing he would be here. I am thankful that Mommy & Jimmy are here with us and that we are still having a party with Kaley's friends from preschool. He would want that. She had a nice party with her friends. We decorated a cupcake cookie and picture frame and played a couple of games. Everyone enjoyed the big Cupcake Cake that our friend Kelly made, then Kaley opened her gifts. We went out to our favorite restaurant for pizza for dinner. I tried to make her day as special as possible and tried to be happy even though I'm really missing Daddy.

Kaley, Pap Pap loves you and will always be in your heart.

Mommy's Birthday

We were away for Mommy's birthday, but today we drove down to spend the day with her since there was no school today. We stopped by a grocery store to pick up a small cake before we went to the house. I didn't know if she had a cake on Friday (her actual birthday) so I wanted to get one for her. We didn't really do much. I just wanted to spend time with her. We had dinner and cake then I gave her a small gift. I was looking for something that would remind us of Daddy, but was having a hard time finding something. Then one day when I was shopping, I found a heart necklace w/sapphires on it. It was perfect. The heart means Daddy will always be in our heart & the sapphires are his birthstone (and blue was his favorite color). I bought one for myself too. I wanted us both to have something. When we first planned to spend the day with Mommy, we were going to try to organize some of the boxes she has down in her basement, but we never got to that. We can do that some other time. She brought boxes of mail and papers from Beaver so she could go through it, but we spent more time just being together, which I think is more important. I wanted her day to feel as special as we could even though Daddy wasn't there. I hope it was ok for her. Her birthday, Jimmy's birthday & Kaley's birthday are all the first things to get through. I know getting through the first year is going to be rough.

Trying To Be Happy

I am trying to be happy this weekend. I am a little. Rob's brother got married today. The wedding was beautiful. The girls were cute flower girls in their pretty red dresses. It was an exciting day. I spent the day taking alot of pictures, something I love to do. It feels strange to "move on" and do the things that make me happy, when I don't really want to. I am still very sad and having a very hard time with Daddy's death. I am trying to be happy, but I find it hard to be all the time. I know there is no time table or rules for grieving. I only know that it takes time to heal and to feel better. I have experienced that with my grandparent's deaths, but losing them is completely different than losing my Dad. It is a totally different experience. But this weekend, I am trying to put my sadness aside and be happy for Dave & Joanna and share their special day with a smile on my face.

Church

I went to church tonight. We have Bible classes on Wednesday evenings, so we decided to go. Part of me didn't want to go. I just wanted to stay home. It was hard. I walked in knowing this was the last place I saw my Daddy alive. I saw the spot where we were standing when we said goodbye the day after Christmas and wish he was still standing there. I couldn't sing. I could barely listen to the words. They sound so different and they mean something different to me now. I can't explain right now, but someday I will come up with the words. I don't think I listened to the discussion in class, all I could think about was my Dad. When class was over several of our church family came over to me to give me hugs and their condolences. I don't think I'll remember what anyone said to me, but I know they care. I feel like I can't pray because I don't know what to say to God right now. My heart is so full of sorrow and pain, unlike anything I've ever felt before.

Back Home

We are home in CT. This is really the last place I want to be right now. I just want to be with my Mom. More than anything. It was very difficult leaving her this morning. I wanted to stay to take care of her. We will see her in two weeks, but that seems so far away right now. Hopefully the time will pass quickly. We plan to spend the day with her the Monday after her birthday. We can't be there for her birthday because we will be in Mississippi for Rob's brother's wedding. It feels strange to be starting off a new year experiencing our "year of firsts" without my Dad from the beginning of the year. We have three birthdays in January, Jimmy, Mommy & Kaley. It will be different. I have no motivation right now. I feel like I have so much to do but I just don't feel like it. I'm sure that is normal. Daddy has only been gone one week. I know it will take time.

Leaving

We are leaving Beaver today. I don't want to go. I feel connected to Daddy here. I know he is in my heart and he is with me where ever I am, but I have this feeling, sitting in this house, that I can't explain. I just don't want to go. I want to stay longer. We spent the morning getting our things together and running errands for Mommy before we could leave town. We have to take care of things at a couple of banks and pick up a few things at the funeral home. We will go to Mommy's house tonight and then we have to go home tomorrow for Rob and Tessa to go back to school. Thankfully, Rob was able to get five bereavement days off so he didn't have to be back today. I didn't want Tessa to have to miss school, but we didn't have a choice. I don't know when we will be back, probably sometime in February. My heart is heavy.

Psalm 46:1

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

A New Year

It is a new year today. And we are starting this new year with a new life. A life without my Dad. I think I am still in shock. None of this feels real to me. It's just so hard to believe he is gone. I feel like he should be walking in the door any minute or that we should be hearing him laugh at my girls. We were supposed to be celebrating this new year together this weekend, but instead we had a funeral. I don't think I'll ever think of New Year's the same way. We didn't have our traditional meal of pork & sauerkraut, mashed potatoes, dumplings & green beans or corn and it doesn't even matter. Food is the last thing I want to think about. I don't have much of an appetite any way. I haven't all week. I'm exhausted physically and emotionally. I think I've slept a total of 6 hours since Monday. I don't seem to sleep more than 2-3 hours at night. I can't even nap during the day. Sleep just doesn't come. I don't know how long that will last, but right now it's not important.

We keep talking about Daddy. Everything seems like a blur. It doesn't feel like a New Year.