Depressed

I haven't kept up here because I have been depressed for the past few weeks. This bout was longer than most times. It comes and goes, sometimes only for a few days, but this time it lasted longer than a week. I have about two more weeks before I see the psychiatrist. Part of me wishes I could have gotten in sooner, part of me doesn't even want to go. I don't really want to go on medication and I think he will put me on it. I have mixed feelings about it like I did 12 yrs ago. I don't want to be around people right now, I want to be left alone, I want to just sit and do nothing, but none of that is possible. Not with two little girls that need my time and attention. I don't want them to see me like that either. I keep trying to pull myself out of it, but nothing seems to make me feel better. I hope I'm feeling better when I see the psychiatrist.

Happy Birthday Tessa

Today is Tessa's birthday. She is 8 yrs old! I can't believe how fast the years have gone. We were supposed to have her party today, but hurricane Irene is coming through and we had to postpone until next weekend. I made her a cake, so the four of us can celebrate. I just keep thinking that Daddy should be here, he would be here. Another birthday he isn't here for. I am trying to not be sad and to be happy for Tessa.

Vacation

We are going on vacation, for me a much needed one. Every summer for the last two years we have gone to TN to visit Rob's Mom. We will be leaving tomorrow for two weeks. We will spend just a little over a week with Rob's Mom. My best friend from college is also going to be in TN at the same time we are there. I can't wait to see her! I haven't seen Lisa in a little over a year. We try to see each other every other year and this is our year. Rob's brother & his wife have built a house not far from Rob's Mom, so hopefully we will get to spend time with them too. I'm looking forward to getting to know my sister-in-law better.

We also decided to take the girls to Disney World! I am so excited! We want to surprise them, so we won't tell them until the day before we go. I can't wait to see the look on their faces! While we are in FL, we will be spending time with close friends of ours that live there. I am really looking forward to that. I may try to post while we are away, but not sure if I will.

Zephaniah 3:17

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

I love this Scripture. I love that God will take delight in me, but even more I love that he will quiet me with his love. That is powerful.

Lonely

I am feeling lonely today. I miss Daddy. Rob and Tessa have been at camp this week and will be back on Saturday. My house has been a little quieter than usual. I haven't slept well all week. I want someone to talk to. Someone that understands.

Psalm 138:7-8

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever--do not abandon the works of your hands.

When I read this verse this morning it gave me comfort. Knowing that God is there in my troubled times and his hand is stretched out for me brings me peace. The word preserve means to keep alive, in existence, make lasting--that is what he does with my life. He promises to carry out his plan for my life. His love is forever. What a powerful Scripture this is.

6 Months

Today is 6 months since Daddy died. My heart is still so sad. 6 months. It doesn't seem like it has been that long and at the same time it still feels like last week. I feel like I'm still just going through the motions. Just getting by. Doing only what I have to do and nothing more. Life is so different without Daddy. I miss everything about him. His face, his smile, his eyes, his hugs and kisses, the way he patted me on the back, holding his hand, going shopping, sneaking off to Starbucks for coffee just me and him, spending time alone with him, talking to him about life, telling him my dreams, hearing his dreams, his 2 minute phone calls for no reason, him telling me how proud he is of me and how special I am, watching him with my girls and seeing the love in his eyes for them, his positive attitude, his outlook on life, his voice. It is hard to imagine living on this earth without him. It doesn't seem right. He was too young. I still don't understand and I probably never will.

Not only is it 6 months since he died, today is the day we left the house. Lots of tears today. I am sad that this is the last time I will be here. I don't know when we will come back to Beaver. It may be a long time. Even if we do, it won't be to this house. I guess there is always a possibility that we will go back when the house sells, but it is hard to say. I did not sleep well last night, all weekend really. Not just because I was sleeping on the hard floor of my old bedroom, but because I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I kept thinking about Daddy. I kept thinking about my friends in Beaver. I kept thinking about all the memories I have of this house. As I was laying there, I was thinking of the conversation I just had with a good friend that came to see me last night. It was a deep, spiritual conversation. He prayed with me. He cried with me. He encouraged me. He made me laugh. I am so grateful that God made him a part of my life. I could see God's hand working in my life by bringing this friend to me when I needed one. He knew what I needed and provided. I am thankful for that.

I know that life is not easy and it is certainly not fair. I know that I believe that Daddy is in a better place than this world. He is free. Free of pain, sorrow, hurt. He is with the Lord. Although I know that, it does not make it easier right now. I hope someday it does. I wish I could see him, his smiling face, hear him laugh, have him hold me and kiss my cheek. He was the best father a little girl could ever have and I am so thankful and honored that God made me his daughter. I miss you and love you so much Daddy.

The House

The house I grew up in will officially be on the market in the next couple of days. This makes me so sad. I thought I was sad 4 yrs ago when my parents decided they were going to move closer to me. I cried and had mixed feelings of never getting to go back there and see my house. I still refer to it as my house even though I haven't lived there in over 16 yrs. In the last 4 yrs, I have been able to go back. Daddy hadn't finished up working yet and was still living there, even though Mom and my brother had moved already. This is more than a house to me, it is a home. I lived most of my life in it. I have so many memories. I also thought that when we were there in April to clean out, it would be the last time I would be there. When we left, I touched the walls, cried and tried to memorize the way everything looked. This time everything seems so final. There will not be a reason to go back again. The house is empty. No furniture, no pictures on the walls. I never thought that I would leave that house the way I did, with Daddy gone. I always thought he would be the one to say the house was cleaned out and he was ready to sell it. It was harder to leave this time. I noticed the girls had been playing with rocks that they brought inside. I didn't know where they found them, but when I saw them, I decided I would take one home with me. So, before we leave, I will go down to the gravel driveway and pick up one of the rocks and bring it home. It might seem silly, but it is something I could bring with me that would remind me of the 32 yrs that my family spent in that house.

Isaiah 48:17

This is what the Lord says-you Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel; I am the Lord your God who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.

When I read this Scripture this afternoon, I felt God speaking to me again. He is telling me that he knows what is best for me and he directs me. I am amazed that every day he leads me to a Scripture that speaks to me in some way. I know I need to trust him and have faith because HE knows what is best and he will direct me. I have to let him. I have to read his word and ask for his help.

Father's Day

Today is a hard day. It is the first Father's Day without Daddy. I have been away from him before and not able to spend the day with him, but I've always been able to call him and talk for a while. This year I wish I could just wipe the day from the calendar. Not to minimize it for Rob or for any other fathers, I just don't want to think about what I no longer have. I still wanted to do something for Daddy and I kept trying to think of something I could do to honor him. Several suggestions were made like making a box and writing him a message or writing him a letter, lighting a candle for him or spending some time alone and thinking about him. I didn't do any of those things, but I do plan to do something that will be meaningful to me, I'm just not sure when. Soon. I did plant a rose bush in front of my porch and found an angel statue to sit next to it that will be in his memory. I still wanted to do something specifically for Father's Day. I may go back and buy that card. Maybe that seems weird, but it feels right. I can't not acknowledge my Dad. I whispered Happy Father's Day Daddy when I woke up this morning. That just doesn't feel like enough. I like the box idea. I may find one in a store or make one and keep notes and letters in it, maybe even pictures.

Church was hard this morning. I was ok at first, then cried a few times thinking about Daddy. One of the ladies handed me a card. I wasn't sure I wanted to read it, because I had a feeling I knew what it said, so I didn't read it at first. I did open it after a while and it said what I thought. She was telling me that I was in her heart and she knew the day would be hard for me without my Dad. She lost her Dad too and it was still hard for her. It was so sweet for her to think of me like that. Before the sermon, the preacher had us greet the people around us. A man was sitting at the end of our aisle so he walked over and said hi. I told him Happy Father's Day and it felt so strange to say it to someone that wasn't my Dad even though I have done it many times before. It just felt different saying it to someone and not to Daddy. It didn't feel different to say it to Rob, but to another man, it was. When church was over, another close friend also said she knew it was a hard day and I just started crying again. She hugged me and we talked for a few minutes. I still didn't want to be thinking about it being Father's Day.

Of course, even though I would like to wipe the day away, I know that I can't so I decided I needed to focus the day on my husband. He is a wonderful father to our girls, and he deserves to be honored. We hadn't talked about what he would like to do, then an opportunity just fell into our laps. We took a trip to NYC for the day. His stepbrother and his family were in NYC for a few days, and we offered to meet them and spend the day with them. So we did. It distracted me from thinking about Daddy all day and dwelling on the fact I don't have him anymore and I think it was a nice way to spend the day for Rob.

The Card

As I was shopping with my daughters for a Father's Day gift for my husband, we were looking at the cards. I couldn't help but look at one I would have chosen for Daddy. I thought it would be hard to do, but I felt more like it was something I should do. I picked one up, but didn't buy it.

From Your Daughter

Thank you, Dad

for all the years

of giving and caring,

of patient teaching,

and loving discipline.

Thank you for all the years

of listening to my problems,

guiding me into making

my own decisions

and sharing my disappointments

as well as my dreams.

Thank you

for loving me enough

to hold me close

when I needed you most,

and for loving me enough to let me go out on my own.

I am who I am

because of all you've done

and been for me.

I'll always be grateful, Dad,

and I'll always love you.

Happy Father's Day

Now I wish I had.

I Am Normal

Today I went to a workshop at Healing Hearts for dealing with the first Father's Day after the loss of your Father. I did get something out of it although I did feel a little out of place being the only adult there. The others were children ages 8-13. Their mothers were also there, but they are dealing with the loss of their husbands. I felt a little uncomfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings because of the children, but I didn't hold back either. The social worker talked about stages of grief, symptoms of grief and help through grief. Stages of grief are Protest (shock, numbness, confusion, anger, guilt, physical symptoms) Searching (in mind and body, restlessness, preoccupation, family dissonance, lowered self esteem) Despair (agony, anguish, depression, aloneness, meaninglessness) Reorganization (bursts of energy, intermittant interest, indifference, fatigue, detachment, apathy) Reinvestment (emerging new identity). I think I float between the Protest and Despair stages. I have felt and still feel some of these. The social worker said these are normal feelings. What a relief, I am normal. She then went over the Symptoms of Grief. Behavior Symptoms (sleeplessness, loss of appetite, poor grades, crying, nightmares, dreams of deceased, sighing, listnessness, absent mindedness, clinging, overactivity, social withdrawal, verbal attacks, fighting, extreme quietness, bed wetting, excessive touching, excessive hugging). Thought Patterns (inability to concentrate, difficulty making decisions, self destructive thoughts, low self image, preoccupation, confusion, disbelief). Feelings (anger, guilt, sadness, mood swings, depression, hysteria, relief, helplessness, fear, loneliness, anxiety, rage, intense feelings, feeling unreal). Physical Symptoms (headaches, fatigue, shortness of breath, dry mouth, dizziness, pounding heart, hot or cold flashes, heaviness of body, sensitive skin, increased illness, empty feeling in body, tightness in chest, muscle weakness, tightness in throat, stomachaches), Yep, I have felt quite a few of this list. Again, I am normal. The last thing the social worker went over were some suggestions of help through grief. The first thing on the list is to be patient with yourself. Don't compare yourself to others. Go through mourning at your own pace. Admit you are hurting and go with the pain. Pace the loss. Ask for and accept help. Talk to others. Take care of yourself physically-get enough rest and exercise and eat properly. Keep a routine. Schedule activities to help you get through holidays. Take care of something alive such as a plant or pet. Stop asking "why" and instead ask "what will I do now?". Introduce pleasant changes into your life. Find someone who needs your help. Write in a journal. Be around people, also schedule time to be alone. Do something you enjoy doing. Know that you will survive. I am working on some of these suggestions, though I do find it hard to do some of them. One of the things she did say that really stayed with me was To get through it is to get through it. Its the figuring out HOW part that I find difficult right now. I started this blog as one way to get through it, which I guess counts as journaling. I do talk with others, at church and at the group meetings. I have to keep a routine right now for the girls. I haven't stopped asking "why?", I'm still searching for that so I can get to a place of peace. I need to start asking myself, "what do I do now?" I need some time to soak that question in. The main point she made was that all of these feelings, thoughts, etc are normal. I did respond to her saying, it is actually nice to know that, because most of the time I am thinking, I have no motivation to do anything, I'm crying alot, I'm sad all the time, "what is wrong with me?" What a relief, I am normal.

Feelings

I wasn't sure what to title this entry. I'm still not sure this is the right one, but for now I'm going with it. I feel sad. A lot. I feel alone. Most of the time. I feel abandoned. Not necessarily sure why. Not by my Dad, not by God. I just feel abandoned. Feelings. Sometimes I hate these feelings. I don't want to feel sad and alone and abandoned but I do. Sometimes I feel like no one cares, even though I know that's not true. I know people care, I guess it just doesn't seem like it when I'm sitting at home by myself with my thoughts. This is not a pity party for myself. I don't want it to sound like it is. Maybe people are just too busy. I just want to know that someone cares. Anyone. It has been almost 6 months since Daddy died. 6 months. It seems like a long time and at the same time, to me it seems like it was just last week. I know there is no time frame on grief. I just wish these feelings would go away. I feel like I just "get by" each day. I still have no motivation or desire to do much. My house is a mess, laundry constantly piled up and I just don't care. I do have good days, days where I don't cry, though most of the time it seems like I can't get through a day without crying, days where I think I'm doing better, but I also have days filled with sadness and many shed tears and full of the question why?, but no answers.

Wednesdays

Wednesdays have been rough days for me the last couple of weeks. Why? I don't know. Usually Sundays and Mondays are hard. Sunday because that is the last day I saw Daddy alive and spoke to him on the phone. Monday because that is the day he died. Those days are still not easy, but Wednesdays have become hard. Tonight at church the discussion was about pain and suffering in this life. The main question was WHY? Why do we have so much pain and suffering? It is one of the questions that would be most asked to God if we could ask him any question. I'm not sure that there is an answer. One of the gentlemen in class said he thought it was to strengthen us, to help us grow in our faith. I have always believed that too. We go through trials to make us stronger as a person and stronger spiritually. He also said that when a loved one goes on before us, we know that we have that hope to see them again one day and that will help us strive to be a better person, to live our life the way we should so that we can see them again. However, that does not make dealing with the loss of my Dad any easier right now. Nothing does. I don't expect it to happen over night. I know it will take time. I don't expect to ever get over it. I think at some point I will learn to live with it. We watched a video of a testimony a man gave while his wife was sick with cancer. He talked about asking God why? Why does his wife have to suffer? She's only 43, Why does she have to die so young? He then said what it all came down to was the resurrection. Jesus suffered a painful death. God couldn't take that away. Jesus had to die on that cross for us. And we also have to endure pain. I could not stop crying. Another woman commented that sometimes we suffer because of choices that we make. We don't do what is right and that is the consequence. Another woman said that sometimes it's just life. It's not in our control. There was a part of me that wished I had just walked out of that class. When I heard the topic, I thought Kim, walk out now. Just leave. But I stayed and tried to get something out of it. Even though most of what was said was hard to hear because of the pain I am going through. I hope someday it will give me strength.

God Speaks

Have you ever had a thought in your head and you KNOW it did not come from your brain? It was not your thought? God speaks to us. He does. I am now confident of this. I have heard of this happening to others, but was not quite convinced it could actually happen. I'm not saying I don't believe them when they say it. I guess I was just skeptical because it never happened to me. Well, I believe now. Why? Because I experienced it last night. I woke up at 3:30am. I went downstairs to the bathroom and I heard my name. It wasn't out loud, it was in my head. "Kim". Then silence. I knew immediately it was God. There was no doubt in my mind at that moment. I wasn't sure what to say or think, but I responded (in my head) "Yes, Lord?" Silence again. Then the voice came again, "Are you listening?" I was baffled. I didn't know what to say. Listening to what? I thought. I didn't know. What does that mean? Then nothing. No response to that. I am still trying to figure it out. I then (I think, unless this part was a dream) saw a huge rock with a light around it. I know the voice wasn't a dream because I was wide awake. I'm not on any medication. I don't drink. This was real. I just don't know what to think. Am I crazy? Is it related to Daddy? Does it have something to do with other things going on in my life? I just don't know.

Dream

Last night I dreamed about Daddy. Nothing happened in the dream, I just saw his face. Just his face. He had no expression. No smile, nothing. He didn't say anything. He was just looking at me. It was just the way he looked when I had my surgery and he came to me. The same expression. He looked like himself or maybe just the way I remember him to look. I don't know why he came in my dream last night. Was it because he was on my mind? Because I was crying out to him yesterday? I wish he would have said something. Anything. Hi. I love you. I'm ok. But nothing. Seeing his face is actually comforting, but at the same time I want more. I want a conversation. But for now, seeing his face will have to be enough. I still have to wonder, did God send him to me?

Meltdown

Today started out ok, then I had more than one meltdown. The first was in the car driving to my Bible Class (see my previous post). Another waved over me later in the afternoon. This one was worse than the first. I could almost feel my heart physically hurting. I cried until I thought I had no tears left, then cried some more. I cried out for my Daddy. I asked God "why?" "Why did you take my Dad? I still needed him. I need an answer from you God. Why?" I know I will probably never get that answer, but I still ask it. I finally calmed down and just sat. I haven't had a breakdown in a while. I've cried, but not like I did today. The pain comes in waves. Is this normal? I've never gone through a grieving process like this before. I've lost several family members, but this just doesn't compare. It usually takes me a few months to get through after losing a loved one, but this time it is totally different. This is my Daddy. I still have a hard time believing he is gone. I just want to pick up the phone and call him. I want to hear his voice again. I miss talking to him for no reason. We never went more than a few days without talking. He would call me in the middle of the day for no reason, just to say hi. I so miss that.

Father Know Best

Today as I was driving to the Ladies Bible class I attend on Wednesdays, I was listening to a CD and a song came on that really spoke to my heart and brought me to tears.

Father Knows Best

Dear Lord sometimes it's hard to understand the plan you've made for me.

Trying to figure out everything so I can look ahead and see what's going to happen, what I need to do. But I'm learning now I have to let go and leave it up to you.

Because Father you know best about what lies ahead. Help me not to rely on me--but lean on you instead. Please be my teacher, and put me to the test. Help me put all my faith in you, cause Father you know know best.

Sometimes it seems i fall trying to things myself, not asking you to guide. Wanting to out on my own, and take everything in stride. But I always realize what I need to do. And I'm learning now I have to let go and leave it up to you.

Because Father you know best about what lies ahead. help me not to rely on me--but lean on you instead. Please be my teacher, and put me to the test. Help me put all my faith in you, cause Father you know best.

Father help me realize I need you no matter what I try. With your hand there to lead providing all I need.

I know in my heart that God does know what is best for our lives. Like the words to the song says, it's hard to understand his plan. Sometimes I think if I did understand, life would be easier, more bearable. I don't know. Maybe it's not supposed to be, and not understanding is meant for us to seek Him.

My Note

I wrote a note to my church family that I wanted to have read when I was not there. I didn't want attention, just wanted them to know how much I love and appreciate the support they have shown me since Daddy passed away. I thanked them for that and apologized for taking so long to write the note. I meant to write it much sooner. I don't remember everything I said, but I did say this is the biggest challenge I've ever faced, that I'm in a place I've never been, that I don't understand why God decided it was Daddy's time, and I asked them to pray for me. Instead of it being read last week when I was away, it was read today. I think it must have been "meant to be" because I really needed the encouragement and the words that some of my close friends said to me. One woman came up to me and wanted me to know that God didn't take my Dad. She said that satan is the author of death and told me about when she had heard that. She told me that God loves me and wanted to make sure I knew that. I do. I think what she said helped some. I don't really believe God "took him", but I've always believed that God decides when it is our time to go be with him (maybe God doesn't cause death, but he allows it to happen?) and that is really what I meant. I hope my words weren't misunderstood. Another sweet, older woman came over to me and told me to give my burdens to God, that he wants us to do that. Two women that are very special to me and I feel are so full of spiritual wisdom also approached me. One of the women, Melinda, moved away about two years ago and she didn't know my Dad passed away. I see God's hand in why my note was read today, if it had been last week, Melinda would not have known and I would not have had the time with her this morning. The other woman, Gail, is a very very dear friend and has seen me through some very rough times. I treasure her friendship and I cherish her wisdom. I desire to have that wisdom some day. Both of these women spent time with me this morning to talk with me and pray with me. While I can't remember eveything they said, I took it to heart and I will always remember that they took that time with me when I needed it the most. Melinda told me to take things one day at a time, one hour at a time if I have to. She told me to look for God speaking to me whether it be through another person, radio etc., that what I hear was meant for me at that moment. She also said to ask, seek and knock (something she said to me 3 yrs ago when my Grandma-Dad's Mom, passed away) to ask God to speak to me and help me. I want so much for God to reveal answers to me, but at the same time I realize I may never get them. Gail has been a huge encouragement to me. Her wisdom is so inspiring. I just want to soak it up like a sponge. She always asks me questions that make me think. Deep. I don't think anyone else in my life has ever done that. I am so thankful for her. She told me that I have my Dad's wisdom that he shared with me, that he would want me to be happy and to live my life through him. Use what he taught me and live it out. One question she asked me today was "What words of wisdom do you remember your Dad saying to you? " It actually caught me off guard for a minute. I almost said I couldn't think of anything specific right now, then it came to me. He said "Your thoughts are your life". He had been saying that to me for at least 6 months to year. Gail thought it was very wise for him to leave those words with me. I know what he meant when he said them because he always had a positive outlook on life. I hope someday I can get to a point that I am as positive as he was. I am very thankful that God put Melinda and Gail in my life. I needed to hear what they said even if I don't remember every word. If you are reading this, please pray for me.

Busy Weekend

I have had a busy weekend. Friday morning I drove two hours to meet friends for a Jimmy Wayne concert. I planned this trip about a month ago. I think I needed the break even if it was only one night away. I had a good time with my friends, but I also had a hard time thinking about my Dad. I just can't stop thinking about him. No matter where I am or what I do. He is always on my mind. I don't think there will ever be a day that goes by that I don't think of him. The show was good, but a couple songs made me cry. One in particular. He sang a new song he wrote about people helping others in need, people that are good people. I cried through the entire song. My friends and I got in line to meet (even though we've all already met him) him while we were in line, I had a little break down. I just started crying. My friends were great. They were there for me and made me feel better. I talked to Jimmy for a minute when I got through the line. He asked if I had a good time. I said yes, but you made me cry. He asked why. I told him the new song got to me. He asked why. I told him my Dad passed away two days after Christmas and the song reminded me of him. He said he was sorry. I told him that he was a good man. He said he'd do anything for anybody. I said yes, he would, that's the kind of person he was. He just nodded his head. I walked away amazed that Jimmy knew exactly what I would have said next without having to say it. He understood.

I spent the night in the hotel with my friends then drove the two hours home in the morning, getting home in time for a wedding. It was a nice day (even though it rained for a while) and everything was beautiful. I took alot of pictures. I spent the evening putting the photos on my computer and editing them. Being busy made the weekend go by fast. Keeping busy keeps my mind off of things, but still doesn't take away the hurt in my heart.

Purpose Through The Pain

Today I watched a video that a friend of mine had posted on her facebook page. I listened to the video and while I feel that it didn't really apply to me because the hurt I'm experiencing is different than what he was talking about, some of what the speaker said made sense. I think I can try some of the suggestions he made. He was talking about people who are going through pain and finding a purpose for the pain. Finding something to help them get through the pain. Find something to be passionate about to help them heal. He was mostly talking about people who had been attacked in some way, not really someone that lost a loved one. However, I can take what he said and use it in a way that does fit me. But, I am not ready to that yet. I don't feel I'm in a place to find something to be passionate about. I hope to find something some day. What he said made me think. Finding something to be passionate about (like helping other people in need) will help you heal. He said it will help other people that are hurting heal too.

Attic Treasures

Old pictures. Boxes of mail. Pictures stuck in between mail. Clothes. Wrapping paper. Empty bags. Purses. Shoes. Blankets. Glass jars. Picture frames. Candles. Jewelry. Books. Halloween costumes. Pumpkins for trick-or-treating. Fireplace screen. Cushions. Cassette tapes. Magazines. Sleeping bags. Broken chair. Suitcases. Knickknacks. Old pay stubs. Taxes from 1971. Toys. Dishes. Christmas decorations.

Attics are notorious for holding all kinds of junk. Things old and new. Things that we don't know what to do with. Things that we think we might want to hold on to. Things we may use again someday. Things we forgot we even had. This attic is no different. We are on day 3 of cleaning out the attic alone. All this stuff to go through is crazy! Part of me wants to just throw it in the dumpster and forget about going through anything. The other part of me wants to make sure we don't throw away anything we might want to keep. I know that if we just toss it without looking, we probably wouldn't miss anything we didn't know was there, but I just can't do that. We have already found things that are now treasures to me because they were Daddy's.

I can't believe some of the stuff Daddy kept. Some of it is funny. Some of it makes me shake my head and say "what was he thinking?" Some brings back memories of my childhood. I laugh. I cry. I'm tired. I'm emotionally exhausted.

Anniversary

Today is Mom & Daddy's Anniversary. They would be married 36 yrs. In some ways it seems like a lifetime and in someways it doesn't seem that long at all. I don't know if I should say anything to Mom or not. I've been struggling with it because I don't want her to get upset or think I didn't remember or that I don't care. I don't think she would think that. Mostly, I just don't want to upset her. I decided I will call her and see if I can get a feel for her mood or see if she brings it up. This is her first anniversary without him. I am sure it will be different for her. They would have done something special. He liked to take her out to dinner and he always bought her flowers and a gift, usually jewelry. I wish I could be with her today but she had to work and we are in Beaver cleaning the house. I know it will be difficult the first year, figuring out how to celebrate special times without him and still remember what he would have said or done. Maybe it will get easier as time goes by. In closing, I will share what I have learned from my parents. One thing that I am thankful for is the example they set in their marriage. They made it through rough times and had alot of good times. They were always there for each other. They showed their love for each other and never let a day go by without saying "I love you". I want the same things for my marriage.

Happy Anniversary Mommy & Daddy, I love you!

More Cleaning Out

This week we are cleaning out the house I grew up in. This is going to be hard. I spent half of my life in this house. I have so many memories. It feels so strange to walk in and find everything the way Daddy left it and for him to not be here. It doesn't feel right. I don't know how else to describe that feeling. This is the first time we've been able to come down since February. I'm hoping we can get most of the stuff cleaned out for my Mom. Daddy kept EVERYTHING! I am not exaggerating! They moved into the house when I was 3 yrs old, so there is over 30 yrs worth of "stuff" here. And while it is just "stuff", it was Daddy's and I feel like this is my only connection to him now. Yes, I have my memories, I have photos, but I don't have him. I have his stuff to remind me of him.

Pictures of Pap Pap

The girls had their last group meeting ("art class") at Healing Hearts tonight. They were asked to bring a picture of Pap Pap with them for a special project. These are the pictures they chose. I had forgotten we even had them. I took them in November when we were at my parent's house for Thanksgiving. I thought the girls were going to make a picture frame for the pictures, but instead they glued them to an egg shaped piece of paper that they decorated. The counselor said the egg represented new life. She asked the children "What is in an egg?"A baby chicken, a little boy responded. The counselor went on to talk about how the egg was a sign of new life being inside. It reminded me that Daddy has a new life in heaven. It was hard to hold back tears, but I did. I look at his pictures and have a hard time believing he is really gone. He looks so real and alive in the photos and it doesn't seem possible that he isn't here anymore. I am so thankful we have these pictures of the girls with Pap Pap and I hope someday they will hold them as a treasure and it will remind them of the special times they shard together and how special they were to him. He really loved them. The children also chose a small wooden bird house that they decorated with stickers. The counselor gave them a heart sticker to put on the birdhouse to remind them of their grandparent. The counselor reminded them that Pap Pap would always be in their heart. We will find a special place to put them so that when they look at it, they can be reminded of Daddy.

Healing Hearts For The Girls

I signed Tessa & Kaley up for a support group through Healing Hearts for children who have hlost a grandparent. I think it will be good for them to talk about my Dad and to try to understand something about death on their level. I have been calling it "the art class" because I didn't know what else to call it or how to explain to them that its a support group. They really liked going. I think it might help them deal better with Daddy's passing unexpectedly and help them understand what happens when a person dies. I tried my best to explain what happened, but its hard when I don't know myself. In their short lives, they have already had to experience going to a funeral 5 times. But my Dad is different. He was someone they were close to and connected with. The other deaths were family members as well. They didn't know my Uncle Joe or my Grandma's very well but they were close to Rob's Grandma. They knew my Uncle Bill and had spent time with him and my Aunt Patty on several occasions. I chose to sign them up for the group because Tessa and Kaley have both been acting out in some ways. Tessa was writing notes that said we don't love her or don't like her and she was talking back more than she normally did. Kaley was acting out a little and started reverting back to using a baby voice when she talked. I don't know if any of their behavior had anything to do with Daddy's death or the way I've been reacting to everything. I wanted to make sure they knew why I was upset and crying alot and I also wanted them to know that it was ok to feel whatever they were feeling. I think this will be a good group for them. They seemed to enjoy the first "class" so I am sure it will help them.

Healing Hearts

Yesterday I went to a support group for adults who have lost a parent. A dear friend of mine told me she used to volunteer with hospice and they had support groups for people who lost a loved one. She didn't know if they still ran groups, but she encouraged me to call and find out. So a couple of weeks ago, I called and I was directed to a group for adults who have lost a parent. I felt a little uneasy at first, because I've never been part of a support group before. This is all so new to me. There were three other women there who had lost their mothers recently. I am hoping to continue to go to the group and see how it helps me. I think it will be good to be able to talk about Daddy and know that the others in that room are going through the same thing I am. I hope it helps.

Cleaning Out

This weekend we are cleaning out the house or at least starting to. We have already done a lot in the basement. The dumpster is almost full. It has been very emotional, very draining, has brought back a lot of memories and shed a lot of tears. I still cannot believe the mess that is in the basement. Boxes from floor to ceiling, wall to wall. Daddy kept EVERYTHING! It was a little embarrassing, but I tried to remember that the majority of the stuff was not mine. I had a few boxes of stuff, but my boxes didn’t compare to what all was there. We spent hours going through old mail, nicknacks, etc. I wish we could have just put boxes in the dumpster without going through things piece by piece but Daddy would have personal things like pictures & cards mixed in with old mail. I wanted to make sure that we didn’t throw away anything important. It was easy sifting through mail, but time consuming. Thankfully we had a few friends that came over to help yesterday and today. I wish we could have emptied out the entire basement, but we would need a few more days to work down there. Part of me is ready to leave and part of me wants to stay until the entire house is cleared out. We can’t come back until April, so the rest will have to wait until then.

Surgery

I have been completely out of it for the last few days. I had surgery on my thumb on Feb 8 to repair the tendon & nerve I damaged when I cut my thumb two days before Kaley's birthday. The surgery went well. The Dr was able to repair the tendon and the nerve. I am very thankful. I was very scared. I knew I had to have the surgery or I wouldn't have movement in my thumb. I think I was most afraid that I wouldn't wake up. I don't know why. That was what I was most afraid of. Not the pain, not the surgery itself, but that I wouldn't wake up. The Dr talked to me before the surgery and explained everything he was going to do then the anesthesiologist came in to ask me questions and wanted to know if I wanted to be awake or completely under. That threw me. I thought I was going completely under f rom the beginning, not realizing I could have the option of staying awake. He realized my hesitation then said it would be better if I went under. I was prepped for surgery and went out quickly with the medication they gave me. While I was under, something happened. My Daddy came to me. He didn't say anything to me. He didn't really even have an expression on his face. That was all I saw, his face. I think maybe he was stroking my head to comfort me, but I'm not sure. I do not believe this was a dream. I believe that God sent my Daddy to be with me during my surgery, to let me know that I would be ok. I did feel more at peace when I saw him. I didn't feel afraid. I don't think I tried to talk to him, I was just so happy he was there and I could see him. Then the Dr started to wake me up and Daddy turned away. I couldn't see him anymore. I was suddenly upset and crying. I kept saying over and over I want my Daddy. The Drs were trying to understand me and asked me what I wanted. I told them my Daddy died. They thought I had a dream that my Dad died. I remember asking for Daddy again, then asking one of the Drs to hold my hand. I remember the Dr explaining the surgery to me but I couldn't concentrate on what he was saying. All I could think about was seeing my Dad. I was glad the surgery was over and that I made it through, but I wanted to stay with Daddy or for him to stay with me. I wanted to talk to him and ask him what happened to him, to get some answers. I know that will probably never happen. I have never had an experience like this before. I've heard other people have, but I'm not sure I totally believed that could happen. Now I do. I have not been able to get this off of my mind and I'll never forget it. I don't know if he will ever come to me again in a dream or any other circumstance, but I know he was there with me and helped me through.

Kaley's Birthday

Happy Birthday Kaley! Daddy would have been here to celebrate Kaley turning 5. He couldn't wait for the girl's birthdays. He was always excited to see them and share this special time with them. It feels strange that he was not here for Kaley's party. It doesn't feel the same with him gone. I know he would want us to be happy and to have a good time and we are, but it is still different without him, knowing he would be here. I am thankful that Mommy & Jimmy are here with us and that we are still having a party with Kaley's friends from preschool. He would want that. She had a nice party with her friends. We decorated a cupcake cookie and picture frame and played a couple of games. Everyone enjoyed the big Cupcake Cake that our friend Kelly made, then Kaley opened her gifts. We went out to our favorite restaurant for pizza for dinner. I tried to make her day as special as possible and tried to be happy even though I'm really missing Daddy.

Kaley, Pap Pap loves you and will always be in your heart.

Mommy's Birthday

We were away for Mommy's birthday, but today we drove down to spend the day with her since there was no school today. We stopped by a grocery store to pick up a small cake before we went to the house. I didn't know if she had a cake on Friday (her actual birthday) so I wanted to get one for her. We didn't really do much. I just wanted to spend time with her. We had dinner and cake then I gave her a small gift. I was looking for something that would remind us of Daddy, but was having a hard time finding something. Then one day when I was shopping, I found a heart necklace w/sapphires on it. It was perfect. The heart means Daddy will always be in our heart & the sapphires are his birthstone (and blue was his favorite color). I bought one for myself too. I wanted us both to have something. When we first planned to spend the day with Mommy, we were going to try to organize some of the boxes she has down in her basement, but we never got to that. We can do that some other time. She brought boxes of mail and papers from Beaver so she could go through it, but we spent more time just being together, which I think is more important. I wanted her day to feel as special as we could even though Daddy wasn't there. I hope it was ok for her. Her birthday, Jimmy's birthday & Kaley's birthday are all the first things to get through. I know getting through the first year is going to be rough.

Trying To Be Happy

I am trying to be happy this weekend. I am a little. Rob's brother got married today. The wedding was beautiful. The girls were cute flower girls in their pretty red dresses. It was an exciting day. I spent the day taking alot of pictures, something I love to do. It feels strange to "move on" and do the things that make me happy, when I don't really want to. I am still very sad and having a very hard time with Daddy's death. I am trying to be happy, but I find it hard to be all the time. I know there is no time table or rules for grieving. I only know that it takes time to heal and to feel better. I have experienced that with my grandparent's deaths, but losing them is completely different than losing my Dad. It is a totally different experience. But this weekend, I am trying to put my sadness aside and be happy for Dave & Joanna and share their special day with a smile on my face.

Church

I went to church tonight. We have Bible classes on Wednesday evenings, so we decided to go. Part of me didn't want to go. I just wanted to stay home. It was hard. I walked in knowing this was the last place I saw my Daddy alive. I saw the spot where we were standing when we said goodbye the day after Christmas and wish he was still standing there. I couldn't sing. I could barely listen to the words. They sound so different and they mean something different to me now. I can't explain right now, but someday I will come up with the words. I don't think I listened to the discussion in class, all I could think about was my Dad. When class was over several of our church family came over to me to give me hugs and their condolences. I don't think I'll remember what anyone said to me, but I know they care. I feel like I can't pray because I don't know what to say to God right now. My heart is so full of sorrow and pain, unlike anything I've ever felt before.

Back Home

We are home in CT. This is really the last place I want to be right now. I just want to be with my Mom. More than anything. It was very difficult leaving her this morning. I wanted to stay to take care of her. We will see her in two weeks, but that seems so far away right now. Hopefully the time will pass quickly. We plan to spend the day with her the Monday after her birthday. We can't be there for her birthday because we will be in Mississippi for Rob's brother's wedding. It feels strange to be starting off a new year experiencing our "year of firsts" without my Dad from the beginning of the year. We have three birthdays in January, Jimmy, Mommy & Kaley. It will be different. I have no motivation right now. I feel like I have so much to do but I just don't feel like it. I'm sure that is normal. Daddy has only been gone one week. I know it will take time.

Leaving

We are leaving Beaver today. I don't want to go. I feel connected to Daddy here. I know he is in my heart and he is with me where ever I am, but I have this feeling, sitting in this house, that I can't explain. I just don't want to go. I want to stay longer. We spent the morning getting our things together and running errands for Mommy before we could leave town. We have to take care of things at a couple of banks and pick up a few things at the funeral home. We will go to Mommy's house tonight and then we have to go home tomorrow for Rob and Tessa to go back to school. Thankfully, Rob was able to get five bereavement days off so he didn't have to be back today. I didn't want Tessa to have to miss school, but we didn't have a choice. I don't know when we will be back, probably sometime in February. My heart is heavy.

Psalm 46:1

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

A New Year

It is a new year today. And we are starting this new year with a new life. A life without my Dad. I think I am still in shock. None of this feels real to me. It's just so hard to believe he is gone. I feel like he should be walking in the door any minute or that we should be hearing him laugh at my girls. We were supposed to be celebrating this new year together this weekend, but instead we had a funeral. I don't think I'll ever think of New Year's the same way. We didn't have our traditional meal of pork & sauerkraut, mashed potatoes, dumplings & green beans or corn and it doesn't even matter. Food is the last thing I want to think about. I don't have much of an appetite any way. I haven't all week. I'm exhausted physically and emotionally. I think I've slept a total of 6 hours since Monday. I don't seem to sleep more than 2-3 hours at night. I can't even nap during the day. Sleep just doesn't come. I don't know how long that will last, but right now it's not important.

We keep talking about Daddy. Everything seems like a blur. It doesn't feel like a New Year.