Depressed

I haven't kept up here because I have been depressed for the past few weeks. This bout was longer than most times. It comes and goes, sometimes only for a few days, but this time it lasted longer than a week. I have about two more weeks before I see the psychiatrist. Part of me wishes I could have gotten in sooner, part of me doesn't even want to go. I don't really want to go on medication and I think he will put me on it. I have mixed feelings about it like I did 12 yrs ago. I don't want to be around people right now, I want to be left alone, I want to just sit and do nothing, but none of that is possible. Not with two little girls that need my time and attention. I don't want them to see me like that either. I keep trying to pull myself out of it, but nothing seems to make me feel better. I hope I'm feeling better when I see the psychiatrist.

Happy Birthday Tessa

Today is Tessa's birthday. She is 8 yrs old! I can't believe how fast the years have gone. We were supposed to have her party today, but hurricane Irene is coming through and we had to postpone until next weekend. I made her a cake, so the four of us can celebrate. I just keep thinking that Daddy should be here, he would be here. Another birthday he isn't here for. I am trying to not be sad and to be happy for Tessa.

Vacation

We are going on vacation, for me a much needed one. Every summer for the last two years we have gone to TN to visit Rob's Mom. We will be leaving tomorrow for two weeks. We will spend just a little over a week with Rob's Mom. My best friend from college is also going to be in TN at the same time we are there. I can't wait to see her! I haven't seen Lisa in a little over a year. We try to see each other every other year and this is our year. Rob's brother & his wife have built a house not far from Rob's Mom, so hopefully we will get to spend time with them too. I'm looking forward to getting to know my sister-in-law better.

We also decided to take the girls to Disney World! I am so excited! We want to surprise them, so we won't tell them until the day before we go. I can't wait to see the look on their faces! While we are in FL, we will be spending time with close friends of ours that live there. I am really looking forward to that. I may try to post while we are away, but not sure if I will.

Zephaniah 3:17

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

I love this Scripture. I love that God will take delight in me, but even more I love that he will quiet me with his love. That is powerful.

Lonely

I am feeling lonely today. I miss Daddy. Rob and Tessa have been at camp this week and will be back on Saturday. My house has been a little quieter than usual. I haven't slept well all week. I want someone to talk to. Someone that understands.

Psalm 138:7-8

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever--do not abandon the works of your hands.

When I read this verse this morning it gave me comfort. Knowing that God is there in my troubled times and his hand is stretched out for me brings me peace. The word preserve means to keep alive, in existence, make lasting--that is what he does with my life. He promises to carry out his plan for my life. His love is forever. What a powerful Scripture this is.

6 Months

Today is 6 months since Daddy died. My heart is still so sad. 6 months. It doesn't seem like it has been that long and at the same time it still feels like last week. I feel like I'm still just going through the motions. Just getting by. Doing only what I have to do and nothing more. Life is so different without Daddy. I miss everything about him. His face, his smile, his eyes, his hugs and kisses, the way he patted me on the back, holding his hand, going shopping, sneaking off to Starbucks for coffee just me and him, spending time alone with him, talking to him about life, telling him my dreams, hearing his dreams, his 2 minute phone calls for no reason, him telling me how proud he is of me and how special I am, watching him with my girls and seeing the love in his eyes for them, his positive attitude, his outlook on life, his voice. It is hard to imagine living on this earth without him. It doesn't seem right. He was too young. I still don't understand and I probably never will.

Not only is it 6 months since he died, today is the day we left the house. Lots of tears today. I am sad that this is the last time I will be here. I don't know when we will come back to Beaver. It may be a long time. Even if we do, it won't be to this house. I guess there is always a possibility that we will go back when the house sells, but it is hard to say. I did not sleep well last night, all weekend really. Not just because I was sleeping on the hard floor of my old bedroom, but because I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I kept thinking about Daddy. I kept thinking about my friends in Beaver. I kept thinking about all the memories I have of this house. As I was laying there, I was thinking of the conversation I just had with a good friend that came to see me last night. It was a deep, spiritual conversation. He prayed with me. He cried with me. He encouraged me. He made me laugh. I am so grateful that God made him a part of my life. I could see God's hand working in my life by bringing this friend to me when I needed one. He knew what I needed and provided. I am thankful for that.

I know that life is not easy and it is certainly not fair. I know that I believe that Daddy is in a better place than this world. He is free. Free of pain, sorrow, hurt. He is with the Lord. Although I know that, it does not make it easier right now. I hope someday it does. I wish I could see him, his smiling face, hear him laugh, have him hold me and kiss my cheek. He was the best father a little girl could ever have and I am so thankful and honored that God made me his daughter. I miss you and love you so much Daddy.