Psalm 138:7-8

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever--do not abandon the works of your hands.

When I read this verse this morning it gave me comfort. Knowing that God is there in my troubled times and his hand is stretched out for me brings me peace. The word preserve means to keep alive, in existence, make lasting--that is what he does with my life. He promises to carry out his plan for my life. His love is forever. What a powerful Scripture this is.

6 Months

Today is 6 months since Daddy died. My heart is still so sad. 6 months. It doesn't seem like it has been that long and at the same time it still feels like last week. I feel like I'm still just going through the motions. Just getting by. Doing only what I have to do and nothing more. Life is so different without Daddy. I miss everything about him. His face, his smile, his eyes, his hugs and kisses, the way he patted me on the back, holding his hand, going shopping, sneaking off to Starbucks for coffee just me and him, spending time alone with him, talking to him about life, telling him my dreams, hearing his dreams, his 2 minute phone calls for no reason, him telling me how proud he is of me and how special I am, watching him with my girls and seeing the love in his eyes for them, his positive attitude, his outlook on life, his voice. It is hard to imagine living on this earth without him. It doesn't seem right. He was too young. I still don't understand and I probably never will.

Not only is it 6 months since he died, today is the day we left the house. Lots of tears today. I am sad that this is the last time I will be here. I don't know when we will come back to Beaver. It may be a long time. Even if we do, it won't be to this house. I guess there is always a possibility that we will go back when the house sells, but it is hard to say. I did not sleep well last night, all weekend really. Not just because I was sleeping on the hard floor of my old bedroom, but because I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I kept thinking about Daddy. I kept thinking about my friends in Beaver. I kept thinking about all the memories I have of this house. As I was laying there, I was thinking of the conversation I just had with a good friend that came to see me last night. It was a deep, spiritual conversation. He prayed with me. He cried with me. He encouraged me. He made me laugh. I am so grateful that God made him a part of my life. I could see God's hand working in my life by bringing this friend to me when I needed one. He knew what I needed and provided. I am thankful for that.

I know that life is not easy and it is certainly not fair. I know that I believe that Daddy is in a better place than this world. He is free. Free of pain, sorrow, hurt. He is with the Lord. Although I know that, it does not make it easier right now. I hope someday it does. I wish I could see him, his smiling face, hear him laugh, have him hold me and kiss my cheek. He was the best father a little girl could ever have and I am so thankful and honored that God made me his daughter. I miss you and love you so much Daddy.

The House

The house I grew up in will officially be on the market in the next couple of days. This makes me so sad. I thought I was sad 4 yrs ago when my parents decided they were going to move closer to me. I cried and had mixed feelings of never getting to go back there and see my house. I still refer to it as my house even though I haven't lived there in over 16 yrs. In the last 4 yrs, I have been able to go back. Daddy hadn't finished up working yet and was still living there, even though Mom and my brother had moved already. This is more than a house to me, it is a home. I lived most of my life in it. I have so many memories. I also thought that when we were there in April to clean out, it would be the last time I would be there. When we left, I touched the walls, cried and tried to memorize the way everything looked. This time everything seems so final. There will not be a reason to go back again. The house is empty. No furniture, no pictures on the walls. I never thought that I would leave that house the way I did, with Daddy gone. I always thought he would be the one to say the house was cleaned out and he was ready to sell it. It was harder to leave this time. I noticed the girls had been playing with rocks that they brought inside. I didn't know where they found them, but when I saw them, I decided I would take one home with me. So, before we leave, I will go down to the gravel driveway and pick up one of the rocks and bring it home. It might seem silly, but it is something I could bring with me that would remind me of the 32 yrs that my family spent in that house.

Isaiah 48:17

This is what the Lord says-you Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel; I am the Lord your God who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.

When I read this Scripture this afternoon, I felt God speaking to me again. He is telling me that he knows what is best for me and he directs me. I am amazed that every day he leads me to a Scripture that speaks to me in some way. I know I need to trust him and have faith because HE knows what is best and he will direct me. I have to let him. I have to read his word and ask for his help.

Father's Day

Today is a hard day. It is the first Father's Day without Daddy. I have been away from him before and not able to spend the day with him, but I've always been able to call him and talk for a while. This year I wish I could just wipe the day from the calendar. Not to minimize it for Rob or for any other fathers, I just don't want to think about what I no longer have. I still wanted to do something for Daddy and I kept trying to think of something I could do to honor him. Several suggestions were made like making a box and writing him a message or writing him a letter, lighting a candle for him or spending some time alone and thinking about him. I didn't do any of those things, but I do plan to do something that will be meaningful to me, I'm just not sure when. Soon. I did plant a rose bush in front of my porch and found an angel statue to sit next to it that will be in his memory. I still wanted to do something specifically for Father's Day. I may go back and buy that card. Maybe that seems weird, but it feels right. I can't not acknowledge my Dad. I whispered Happy Father's Day Daddy when I woke up this morning. That just doesn't feel like enough. I like the box idea. I may find one in a store or make one and keep notes and letters in it, maybe even pictures.

Church was hard this morning. I was ok at first, then cried a few times thinking about Daddy. One of the ladies handed me a card. I wasn't sure I wanted to read it, because I had a feeling I knew what it said, so I didn't read it at first. I did open it after a while and it said what I thought. She was telling me that I was in her heart and she knew the day would be hard for me without my Dad. She lost her Dad too and it was still hard for her. It was so sweet for her to think of me like that. Before the sermon, the preacher had us greet the people around us. A man was sitting at the end of our aisle so he walked over and said hi. I told him Happy Father's Day and it felt so strange to say it to someone that wasn't my Dad even though I have done it many times before. It just felt different saying it to someone and not to Daddy. It didn't feel different to say it to Rob, but to another man, it was. When church was over, another close friend also said she knew it was a hard day and I just started crying again. She hugged me and we talked for a few minutes. I still didn't want to be thinking about it being Father's Day.

Of course, even though I would like to wipe the day away, I know that I can't so I decided I needed to focus the day on my husband. He is a wonderful father to our girls, and he deserves to be honored. We hadn't talked about what he would like to do, then an opportunity just fell into our laps. We took a trip to NYC for the day. His stepbrother and his family were in NYC for a few days, and we offered to meet them and spend the day with them. So we did. It distracted me from thinking about Daddy all day and dwelling on the fact I don't have him anymore and I think it was a nice way to spend the day for Rob.

The Card

As I was shopping with my daughters for a Father's Day gift for my husband, we were looking at the cards. I couldn't help but look at one I would have chosen for Daddy. I thought it would be hard to do, but I felt more like it was something I should do. I picked one up, but didn't buy it.

From Your Daughter

Thank you, Dad

for all the years

of giving and caring,

of patient teaching,

and loving discipline.

Thank you for all the years

of listening to my problems,

guiding me into making

my own decisions

and sharing my disappointments

as well as my dreams.

Thank you

for loving me enough

to hold me close

when I needed you most,

and for loving me enough to let me go out on my own.

I am who I am

because of all you've done

and been for me.

I'll always be grateful, Dad,

and I'll always love you.

Happy Father's Day

Now I wish I had.

I Am Normal

Today I went to a workshop at Healing Hearts for dealing with the first Father's Day after the loss of your Father. I did get something out of it although I did feel a little out of place being the only adult there. The others were children ages 8-13. Their mothers were also there, but they are dealing with the loss of their husbands. I felt a little uncomfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings because of the children, but I didn't hold back either. The social worker talked about stages of grief, symptoms of grief and help through grief. Stages of grief are Protest (shock, numbness, confusion, anger, guilt, physical symptoms) Searching (in mind and body, restlessness, preoccupation, family dissonance, lowered self esteem) Despair (agony, anguish, depression, aloneness, meaninglessness) Reorganization (bursts of energy, intermittant interest, indifference, fatigue, detachment, apathy) Reinvestment (emerging new identity). I think I float between the Protest and Despair stages. I have felt and still feel some of these. The social worker said these are normal feelings. What a relief, I am normal. She then went over the Symptoms of Grief. Behavior Symptoms (sleeplessness, loss of appetite, poor grades, crying, nightmares, dreams of deceased, sighing, listnessness, absent mindedness, clinging, overactivity, social withdrawal, verbal attacks, fighting, extreme quietness, bed wetting, excessive touching, excessive hugging). Thought Patterns (inability to concentrate, difficulty making decisions, self destructive thoughts, low self image, preoccupation, confusion, disbelief). Feelings (anger, guilt, sadness, mood swings, depression, hysteria, relief, helplessness, fear, loneliness, anxiety, rage, intense feelings, feeling unreal). Physical Symptoms (headaches, fatigue, shortness of breath, dry mouth, dizziness, pounding heart, hot or cold flashes, heaviness of body, sensitive skin, increased illness, empty feeling in body, tightness in chest, muscle weakness, tightness in throat, stomachaches), Yep, I have felt quite a few of this list. Again, I am normal. The last thing the social worker went over were some suggestions of help through grief. The first thing on the list is to be patient with yourself. Don't compare yourself to others. Go through mourning at your own pace. Admit you are hurting and go with the pain. Pace the loss. Ask for and accept help. Talk to others. Take care of yourself physically-get enough rest and exercise and eat properly. Keep a routine. Schedule activities to help you get through holidays. Take care of something alive such as a plant or pet. Stop asking "why" and instead ask "what will I do now?". Introduce pleasant changes into your life. Find someone who needs your help. Write in a journal. Be around people, also schedule time to be alone. Do something you enjoy doing. Know that you will survive. I am working on some of these suggestions, though I do find it hard to do some of them. One of the things she did say that really stayed with me was To get through it is to get through it. Its the figuring out HOW part that I find difficult right now. I started this blog as one way to get through it, which I guess counts as journaling. I do talk with others, at church and at the group meetings. I have to keep a routine right now for the girls. I haven't stopped asking "why?", I'm still searching for that so I can get to a place of peace. I need to start asking myself, "what do I do now?" I need some time to soak that question in. The main point she made was that all of these feelings, thoughts, etc are normal. I did respond to her saying, it is actually nice to know that, because most of the time I am thinking, I have no motivation to do anything, I'm crying alot, I'm sad all the time, "what is wrong with me?" What a relief, I am normal.

Feelings

I wasn't sure what to title this entry. I'm still not sure this is the right one, but for now I'm going with it. I feel sad. A lot. I feel alone. Most of the time. I feel abandoned. Not necessarily sure why. Not by my Dad, not by God. I just feel abandoned. Feelings. Sometimes I hate these feelings. I don't want to feel sad and alone and abandoned but I do. Sometimes I feel like no one cares, even though I know that's not true. I know people care, I guess it just doesn't seem like it when I'm sitting at home by myself with my thoughts. This is not a pity party for myself. I don't want it to sound like it is. Maybe people are just too busy. I just want to know that someone cares. Anyone. It has been almost 6 months since Daddy died. 6 months. It seems like a long time and at the same time, to me it seems like it was just last week. I know there is no time frame on grief. I just wish these feelings would go away. I feel like I just "get by" each day. I still have no motivation or desire to do much. My house is a mess, laundry constantly piled up and I just don't care. I do have good days, days where I don't cry, though most of the time it seems like I can't get through a day without crying, days where I think I'm doing better, but I also have days filled with sadness and many shed tears and full of the question why?, but no answers.

Wednesdays

Wednesdays have been rough days for me the last couple of weeks. Why? I don't know. Usually Sundays and Mondays are hard. Sunday because that is the last day I saw Daddy alive and spoke to him on the phone. Monday because that is the day he died. Those days are still not easy, but Wednesdays have become hard. Tonight at church the discussion was about pain and suffering in this life. The main question was WHY? Why do we have so much pain and suffering? It is one of the questions that would be most asked to God if we could ask him any question. I'm not sure that there is an answer. One of the gentlemen in class said he thought it was to strengthen us, to help us grow in our faith. I have always believed that too. We go through trials to make us stronger as a person and stronger spiritually. He also said that when a loved one goes on before us, we know that we have that hope to see them again one day and that will help us strive to be a better person, to live our life the way we should so that we can see them again. However, that does not make dealing with the loss of my Dad any easier right now. Nothing does. I don't expect it to happen over night. I know it will take time. I don't expect to ever get over it. I think at some point I will learn to live with it. We watched a video of a testimony a man gave while his wife was sick with cancer. He talked about asking God why? Why does his wife have to suffer? She's only 43, Why does she have to die so young? He then said what it all came down to was the resurrection. Jesus suffered a painful death. God couldn't take that away. Jesus had to die on that cross for us. And we also have to endure pain. I could not stop crying. Another woman commented that sometimes we suffer because of choices that we make. We don't do what is right and that is the consequence. Another woman said that sometimes it's just life. It's not in our control. There was a part of me that wished I had just walked out of that class. When I heard the topic, I thought Kim, walk out now. Just leave. But I stayed and tried to get something out of it. Even though most of what was said was hard to hear because of the pain I am going through. I hope someday it will give me strength.

God Speaks

Have you ever had a thought in your head and you KNOW it did not come from your brain? It was not your thought? God speaks to us. He does. I am now confident of this. I have heard of this happening to others, but was not quite convinced it could actually happen. I'm not saying I don't believe them when they say it. I guess I was just skeptical because it never happened to me. Well, I believe now. Why? Because I experienced it last night. I woke up at 3:30am. I went downstairs to the bathroom and I heard my name. It wasn't out loud, it was in my head. "Kim". Then silence. I knew immediately it was God. There was no doubt in my mind at that moment. I wasn't sure what to say or think, but I responded (in my head) "Yes, Lord?" Silence again. Then the voice came again, "Are you listening?" I was baffled. I didn't know what to say. Listening to what? I thought. I didn't know. What does that mean? Then nothing. No response to that. I am still trying to figure it out. I then (I think, unless this part was a dream) saw a huge rock with a light around it. I know the voice wasn't a dream because I was wide awake. I'm not on any medication. I don't drink. This was real. I just don't know what to think. Am I crazy? Is it related to Daddy? Does it have something to do with other things going on in my life? I just don't know.

Dream

Last night I dreamed about Daddy. Nothing happened in the dream, I just saw his face. Just his face. He had no expression. No smile, nothing. He didn't say anything. He was just looking at me. It was just the way he looked when I had my surgery and he came to me. The same expression. He looked like himself or maybe just the way I remember him to look. I don't know why he came in my dream last night. Was it because he was on my mind? Because I was crying out to him yesterday? I wish he would have said something. Anything. Hi. I love you. I'm ok. But nothing. Seeing his face is actually comforting, but at the same time I want more. I want a conversation. But for now, seeing his face will have to be enough. I still have to wonder, did God send him to me?

Meltdown

Today started out ok, then I had more than one meltdown. The first was in the car driving to my Bible Class (see my previous post). Another waved over me later in the afternoon. This one was worse than the first. I could almost feel my heart physically hurting. I cried until I thought I had no tears left, then cried some more. I cried out for my Daddy. I asked God "why?" "Why did you take my Dad? I still needed him. I need an answer from you God. Why?" I know I will probably never get that answer, but I still ask it. I finally calmed down and just sat. I haven't had a breakdown in a while. I've cried, but not like I did today. The pain comes in waves. Is this normal? I've never gone through a grieving process like this before. I've lost several family members, but this just doesn't compare. It usually takes me a few months to get through after losing a loved one, but this time it is totally different. This is my Daddy. I still have a hard time believing he is gone. I just want to pick up the phone and call him. I want to hear his voice again. I miss talking to him for no reason. We never went more than a few days without talking. He would call me in the middle of the day for no reason, just to say hi. I so miss that.

Father Know Best

Today as I was driving to the Ladies Bible class I attend on Wednesdays, I was listening to a CD and a song came on that really spoke to my heart and brought me to tears.

Father Knows Best

Dear Lord sometimes it's hard to understand the plan you've made for me.

Trying to figure out everything so I can look ahead and see what's going to happen, what I need to do. But I'm learning now I have to let go and leave it up to you.

Because Father you know best about what lies ahead. Help me not to rely on me--but lean on you instead. Please be my teacher, and put me to the test. Help me put all my faith in you, cause Father you know know best.

Sometimes it seems i fall trying to things myself, not asking you to guide. Wanting to out on my own, and take everything in stride. But I always realize what I need to do. And I'm learning now I have to let go and leave it up to you.

Because Father you know best about what lies ahead. help me not to rely on me--but lean on you instead. Please be my teacher, and put me to the test. Help me put all my faith in you, cause Father you know best.

Father help me realize I need you no matter what I try. With your hand there to lead providing all I need.

I know in my heart that God does know what is best for our lives. Like the words to the song says, it's hard to understand his plan. Sometimes I think if I did understand, life would be easier, more bearable. I don't know. Maybe it's not supposed to be, and not understanding is meant for us to seek Him.