6 Months

Today is 6 months since Daddy died. My heart is still so sad. 6 months. It doesn't seem like it has been that long and at the same time it still feels like last week. I feel like I'm still just going through the motions. Just getting by. Doing only what I have to do and nothing more. Life is so different without Daddy. I miss everything about him. His face, his smile, his eyes, his hugs and kisses, the way he patted me on the back, holding his hand, going shopping, sneaking off to Starbucks for coffee just me and him, spending time alone with him, talking to him about life, telling him my dreams, hearing his dreams, his 2 minute phone calls for no reason, him telling me how proud he is of me and how special I am, watching him with my girls and seeing the love in his eyes for them, his positive attitude, his outlook on life, his voice. It is hard to imagine living on this earth without him. It doesn't seem right. He was too young. I still don't understand and I probably never will.

Not only is it 6 months since he died, today is the day we left the house. Lots of tears today. I am sad that this is the last time I will be here. I don't know when we will come back to Beaver. It may be a long time. Even if we do, it won't be to this house. I guess there is always a possibility that we will go back when the house sells, but it is hard to say. I did not sleep well last night, all weekend really. Not just because I was sleeping on the hard floor of my old bedroom, but because I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I kept thinking about Daddy. I kept thinking about my friends in Beaver. I kept thinking about all the memories I have of this house. As I was laying there, I was thinking of the conversation I just had with a good friend that came to see me last night. It was a deep, spiritual conversation. He prayed with me. He cried with me. He encouraged me. He made me laugh. I am so grateful that God made him a part of my life. I could see God's hand working in my life by bringing this friend to me when I needed one. He knew what I needed and provided. I am thankful for that.

I know that life is not easy and it is certainly not fair. I know that I believe that Daddy is in a better place than this world. He is free. Free of pain, sorrow, hurt. He is with the Lord. Although I know that, it does not make it easier right now. I hope someday it does. I wish I could see him, his smiling face, hear him laugh, have him hold me and kiss my cheek. He was the best father a little girl could ever have and I am so thankful and honored that God made me his daughter. I miss you and love you so much Daddy.