I Am Normal

Today I went to a workshop at Healing Hearts for dealing with the first Father's Day after the loss of your Father. I did get something out of it although I did feel a little out of place being the only adult there. The others were children ages 8-13. Their mothers were also there, but they are dealing with the loss of their husbands. I felt a little uncomfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings because of the children, but I didn't hold back either. The social worker talked about stages of grief, symptoms of grief and help through grief. Stages of grief are Protest (shock, numbness, confusion, anger, guilt, physical symptoms) Searching (in mind and body, restlessness, preoccupation, family dissonance, lowered self esteem) Despair (agony, anguish, depression, aloneness, meaninglessness) Reorganization (bursts of energy, intermittant interest, indifference, fatigue, detachment, apathy) Reinvestment (emerging new identity). I think I float between the Protest and Despair stages. I have felt and still feel some of these. The social worker said these are normal feelings. What a relief, I am normal. She then went over the Symptoms of Grief. Behavior Symptoms (sleeplessness, loss of appetite, poor grades, crying, nightmares, dreams of deceased, sighing, listnessness, absent mindedness, clinging, overactivity, social withdrawal, verbal attacks, fighting, extreme quietness, bed wetting, excessive touching, excessive hugging). Thought Patterns (inability to concentrate, difficulty making decisions, self destructive thoughts, low self image, preoccupation, confusion, disbelief). Feelings (anger, guilt, sadness, mood swings, depression, hysteria, relief, helplessness, fear, loneliness, anxiety, rage, intense feelings, feeling unreal). Physical Symptoms (headaches, fatigue, shortness of breath, dry mouth, dizziness, pounding heart, hot or cold flashes, heaviness of body, sensitive skin, increased illness, empty feeling in body, tightness in chest, muscle weakness, tightness in throat, stomachaches), Yep, I have felt quite a few of this list. Again, I am normal. The last thing the social worker went over were some suggestions of help through grief. The first thing on the list is to be patient with yourself. Don't compare yourself to others. Go through mourning at your own pace. Admit you are hurting and go with the pain. Pace the loss. Ask for and accept help. Talk to others. Take care of yourself physically-get enough rest and exercise and eat properly. Keep a routine. Schedule activities to help you get through holidays. Take care of something alive such as a plant or pet. Stop asking "why" and instead ask "what will I do now?". Introduce pleasant changes into your life. Find someone who needs your help. Write in a journal. Be around people, also schedule time to be alone. Do something you enjoy doing. Know that you will survive. I am working on some of these suggestions, though I do find it hard to do some of them. One of the things she did say that really stayed with me was To get through it is to get through it. Its the figuring out HOW part that I find difficult right now. I started this blog as one way to get through it, which I guess counts as journaling. I do talk with others, at church and at the group meetings. I have to keep a routine right now for the girls. I haven't stopped asking "why?", I'm still searching for that so I can get to a place of peace. I need to start asking myself, "what do I do now?" I need some time to soak that question in. The main point she made was that all of these feelings, thoughts, etc are normal. I did respond to her saying, it is actually nice to know that, because most of the time I am thinking, I have no motivation to do anything, I'm crying alot, I'm sad all the time, "what is wrong with me?" What a relief, I am normal.